Have you ever heard of this guy moot? I hadn't. And already I've lost the game. There, did it again.
I've always thought (and endlessly written and blogged about it) that my writing style sucks. I don't like the level from within myself that I write. Much too deep. I feel like I don't know enough about what the rest of the world thinks about to connect with them on a shared level; my stuff always comes from deep within my psyche, so much so that I'm afraid people won't relate.
I'll tell you this, though, and it's from way deep: I've addressed previously how I am glad fame never found me. On the other hand, I've lived much of my life with the intent that someday people will care what I did. For this I'm counting on death to help me out. I have definitely noticed that death makes a person more interesting to the remaining living. I'm hoping that, when I'm dead, all the things I've written, played, recorded or performed will become interesting. And there's so much. I just hope somebody knows where to find it. I don't think my wife will care to make everything I've done public, but I hope somebody will care to. She'd be the one to talk to. She's got my old cassettes, videos, passwords to my sites, etc. Tell her I asked you to come get it. I'll get some papers drawn up.
I realize that none of my stuff is quite good enough to make it on its own, but I'm counting on the interest level of my daughter's fans and the morbid fascination people have with the dead to boost the interest factor. Then there's the sheer volume of stuff. I think there's something at least noteworthy if not admirable about someone who loved his art so much that he kept at it in spite of the lack of outside interest/recognition.
I can understand that some of my friends might feel slighted by my implication that I don't have any fans. Please don't take it like that. I don't think of you as fans BECAUSE I think of you as friends. You can be both, and I guess I discount you as a fan because of my own insecurities. I appreciate your support. I guess I don't know what makes a fan. I guess I feel like my friends support me because they're my friends, not because my shit is any good. Also, I don't know what having to come to terms with the fact that people like me because of my talent as a writer and/or performer would do to my personality. I'm really afraid that I would become an asshole. Having a bunch of fans would almost force me to accept that, at least in some ways, I AM better than you/others, and I'm not excited about getting to that place.
In closing (maybe? Stream-of-consciousness going on here) understand that what I really want in death is for anyone who liked anything I did to take it and use it. Cover it, adapt it, whatever, give me posthumous credit and give the royalties to my family.