The Great Taboo

 I was reading a letter written by Pedro Almodovar about the Academy Awards ceremony. This isn't going to be about The Slap. Neither was Pedro's letter. Anyway, he mentioned early on in the story that he doesn't watch his own films. I've heard that about actors as well. I have a musician friend who once said something about getting "caught" listening to your own music is some sort of taboo. Well, I'm here to say that I do listen to my own music.

For one thing, you can hardly help hearing it when you're writing it, practicing it, recording it, mixing it. But once it's done, does it go on a shelf, never to be listened to again? Is it "uncool" to listen to your own stuff? Well, I don't listen to my music because it's the cool thing to do. I listen to it for several reasons. First of all, I'm listening for ways that I can improve it. As I'm going through the production process, I listen to it in the office, in the bedroom, in the car, in headphones - different places which all have their own sound. It gives me a chance to fix equalization issues, mixing balances, and even redo a track here and there (after I published 2020 Out I remixed and largely rerecorded the entire album before putting it to CD). A second reason I listen to my music is so I can plan for the future, determining what I like about past recordings and how I can improve on those things for future productions. If I don't listen to the things I've done, how can I get better than I was? Finally, I listen to my music with a sense of awe, because I find it hard to believe that I was able to produce anything halfway decent, since I do every part of it completely by myself. I'm entirely on my own in the writing, the recording, the mixing, mastering, publishing and promoting of my music. With the exception of a vocal track contributed by my daughter on the CD version of the first album, I don't ask for help, I don't get help, and I do everything as a one-man show. I even pretend like there are other people involved who have a part in it, but I am responsible for being them as well, making all the decisions, designing the artwork and logos and websites and social media accounts. I think it has to do with wanting to express myself, and if I involve other people, they will want to utilize their ideas, have their own input, and then it wouldn't be my voice anymore, my expression of self. I take pride in doing it all myself, but at the same time I'm worried that it's not good enough for anyone else, because I've left them all out of the process, and so reactions are not a part of my creative flow.

Yes, I do listen to my own music. A lot. If I didn't, I fear nobody would. As such, and with the private nature of my production, I think maybe that's why I do it. I don't do it to get the opinions or adulation from others. I do it to prove to myself that I can, I guess. I don't write to please others. This much I know. That probably has something to do with the reasons I don't have a strong urge to push my music on others. If they want to listen to it, great, but I'm not going to try to convince them that they will like it, because I have no reason to think that. I wasn't trying to make something they would like, so I'm not confident that they will. I tried to make something I would like. I can't be the only one. But if I am, at least in my lifetime, then so be it. My biggest fan is pleased.

Sometimes, when I'm saying that nobody listens to my music, that nobody is really a fan, I have to take a moment to think of how my family has supported me. It's not fair to my wife and daughter, who put up with my music so much of the time, to say that they aren't fans. Then again, they don't put on my music. They don't ask me for copies of my albums. They don't play it for their friends. I can recall one person publicly posting that other people should listen to my music. I have yet to see a "this guy's good, you should check him out" post. I know one couple who actually has some of my recordings, and are familiar with my songs. I'm grateful for that. But I'm also not bending over backward to change it. I kind of look at it like, "I like it, but I don't know that anyone else will." I really do think I'm doing it just for me. "If it's just for you, then why do you publish it?" That's a great question. I'm reminded of a conversation I once had with an old girlfriend of mine. I was talking to her about her makeup. I had said something about who is she trying to impress? She said that she didn't wear the makeup for other people, she wore it for herself. I couldn't believe that. Wearing makeup doesn't do anything for you alone, it only has an effect on the perception of you that others have, was my thought process. In retrospect, I think that what she meant was that it covered up some of her insecurities, so, while it wasn't for someone in particular, it was for how people in general would perceive her, effectively a literal mask for her to hide behind so her insecurities didn't get the best of her. Anyway, this just reminded me of that, it doesn't really pertain.

I publish my music, which I really record just for me, to prove to myself that I can, so that I can continue to prove to myself that I can do things. If I do an internet search and can find a bunch of my music, I know that others could too, if they chose. I often think about how I will be remembered after I'm dead, and this is one of they key aspects I'm counting on. I didn't want my 40 years of writing music to amount to nothing, to have it all die with me and the long-lost magnetic tape reels that contained it. I wanted to know that it would be possible for the odd person to whom it would appeal to find it, and to geek out on it like I did when I was a kid and I found some band that none of my friends were talking about, that I couldn't find a section for in any of the record stores, who didn't appear in the magazines or TV shows. (This is one of the ways that the internet has changed the world. You can find anything and everything. That can be both good and bad. Yes, I can self-publish my music so it's out there for the world to see, but so can everyone else, so it makes it hard to sift through it all to find anyone in particular. Lucky for me I have a distinct enough name that proper keywords will reveal me through all the clutter.) So I'm hoping that the person or persons who would really appreciate my stuff, possibly as much as I do, will someday find it, and will feel like they've struck gold to discover that this unheard-of resource of original music recorded at least nine albums under different names, and it hasn't all been totally played out by the mainstream media and whatnot. I like to think some filmmaker will stumble upon me and realize the breadth of my material, and how many different settings my music can be used for. I am increasingly surprised to hear the music of my more youthful periods being used in broadcast television commercials, with any unsuitable or unsavory parts smoothly edited out. If you only need 15 to 30 seconds of a song, any of mine could be used.

These blogs are a lot like my music, in that I don't really intend to promote them, or even especially want people to read them. I'm very self-conscious about them, and I can only relax and say what I feel if I'm imagining that nobody does come and read them. I'm kind of hoping that the entirety of my creative output will be like a big Easter egg, and that when its value is recognized someone will feel very fortunate to have stumbled upon it. I'm secretly hoping to avoid the limelight, I just hope my proper beneficiaries get their due when the time comes.

I've lived inside my head for a really long time.