Showing posts from 2016

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I guess I'll just eat ants

I remember as a child having a particularly pathetic moment when I was feeling really down on myself. I felt like nobody cared. I ate ants. I don't remember why but I was feeling miserable and I felt that somehow eating ants was what I deserved, and that if I deserved better than that then someone would stop me. I think I was alone, so nobody would have seen. But that, just being left alone so much, made me feel neglected.
I don't know what was happening or who would have been around who might have been responsible for me. I don't remember why I was eating anything. I just remember this really pathetic feeling. Feeling sorry for myself. The bitter taste of the ants. Then I felt sorry for the ants.
I don't ever want my daughter to feel that way. It makes me really sad thinking that she ever might. I know I wasn't terribly mistreated and abused. My childhood - my life - was never that bad. But still, the way I felt, I hate to think I could allow my cherished and belo…

Corporate Stooge.

I'm not cut out for this lifestyle of meetings and corporate obedience. I'm starting to feel that my days are numbered. I'd better line up something good to take on the burden of paying the bills. Even if I try, I don't know how much longer I'll last in this business of streamlined marketing and structured everything, with a total lack of independent style.
I keep being requested to attend these meetings and I keep missing them. I'm not used to having the expectation put on me to be somewhere at a specific minute for a non-specific amount of time to listen to people say, "Do you think...?" "Yes, I think..." "And what about...?" "That's a good question, we'll get Bob on the next call."
Let's say the meeting is at 1. I'll be aware of it at 11:30, then I'll go to lunch, then I get back at 1:40 to realize that I completely spaced it. Even if I only have 5 minutes to wait, I'll get distracted by whateve…

In Death - The game you're not supposed to think of

Have you ever heard of this guy moot? I hadn't. And already I've lost the game. There, did it again. I've always thought (and endlessly written and blogged about it) that my writing style sucks. I don't like the level from within myself that I write. Much too deep. I feel like I don't know enough about what the rest of the world thinks about to connect with them on a shared level; my stuff always comes from deep within my psyche, so much so that I'm afraid people won't relate.I'll tell you this, though, and it's from way deep: I've addressed previously how I am glad fame never found me. On the other hand, I've lived much of my life with the intent that someday people will care what I did. For this I'm counting on death to help me out. I have definitely noticed that death makes a person more interesting to the remaining living. I'm hoping that, when I'm dead, all the things I've written, played, recorded or performed will beco…

I'm not aloof, I'm terrified.

I live inside my head to a certain extent. As with anyone, my perspective of the world is from my own viewpoint. Everything I see and hear is filtered through my perceiver, the brain. Therefore everything is tainted with my thoughts and opinions.
Most of what I remember from my travels through my life is what I thought of each experience. That includes anything I said to anyone, as that is the only thing I have control over, and so it's the thing I give the most thought to. 
I tend to by hypercritical of myself and everything I say. I'm not so hard on myself when it comes to the things I do, as I feel that I do a decent job of things, and I seem to get it right a fair amount of the time. It's the things I say to people that really get on my nerves.
I have a bit of what they nowadays call a social anxiety disorder. To this I would like to pose the general question as it relates to human beings and the way they process things in their minds: what is order? A disorder implies th…