Thursday, July 21, 2016

I guess I'll just eat ants

I remember as a child having a particularly pathetic moment when I was feeling really down on myself. I felt like nobody cared. I ate ants. I don't remember why but I was feeling miserable and I felt that somehow eating ants was what I deserved, and that if I deserved better than that then someone would stop me. I think I was alone, so nobody would have seen. But that, just being left alone so much, made me feel neglected.
I don't know what was happening or who would have been around who might have been responsible for me. I don't remember why I was eating anything. I just remember this really pathetic feeling. Feeling sorry for myself. The bitter taste of the ants. Then I felt sorry for the ants.
I don't ever want my daughter to feel that way. It makes me really sad thinking that she ever might. I know I wasn't terribly mistreated and abused. My childhood - my life - was never that bad. But still, the way I felt, I hate to think I could allow my cherished and beloved child to ever feel that way. I know that sometimes we have to hit bottom to know where it is, and to realize how far above it we usually are. But I hope she doesn't feel so worthless and unwanted as I felt in that moment while she's still a child. I hope she can make it another 5 years before she experiences the utter misery that is being a teenage girl. I don't know how old I was when I ate ants, but I wouldn't have been more than 10. Anyway, something to focus on, to try to make sure she doesn't have an experience like this.

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